Otouto
by Kianang
Summary: Rokou watches his otouto's transformations in the wake of Kourin's death... and slowly his Ryuuen, his otouto, vanishes into nothing. [Chapter 6]
1. Sleep

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**Disclaimer**: I own nothing. Well, I do own a tempermental cat. And a retainer. But me no own rights to FY. Nuh-uh.

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**AN**: Ahhhh, um, yeah. This is Ryuuen's transformation after Kourin's death, though Rokou's eyes. This part here does not go up to Ryuuen's, um, donning of the robe, so to speak. Because I don't think that's the sort of think he'd do right away. So enjoy the catatonia for now. I spell checked this, but no edits otherwise -- when I nitpick over edits things never get posted. I get too picky and decide it's a lost cause. And I think I got my Japanese vocab right. It's been awhile since I've been in class, so I'm beyond rusty. Yeah. Have fun. Or as much fun as one can have with this topic. Probably OC, but hell, you only see Rokou for like five minutes anyway so eh.

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Otouto

Sleep

When we arrived at the scene, he was so still... at first 'Kaa-san thought he was the one who had been hit, sitting in a pool of blood, unmoving... but as she drew near she began to scream. Obaa-san tried to cover my eyes, but I broke free and ran to Ryuuen. His eyes were so blank, empty, silent. He stared at Kourin's bloody hair, petting her, softly calling her name. 'Kaa-san was in tears, trying to pull him from the blood, and he moved like a doll, stiff and slow and limp. He maintained his grip on our sister... I touched her blood; put my finger on her nose like I used to, she never moved, not even a flinch. Obaa-san pulled me away again, and I fell back with her to the edge of the crowd. I didn't cry, it hadn't sunk in... I was like Ryuuen, blank, with wide eyes. His hands were so steady, though, as he stroked her hair, pulling bits of bone and blood from her purple mess. My hands shook so much; I trembled in Obaa-san's arms, weak. Always stronger, Ryuuen was always so much stronger. Obaa-san's grip on my shoulders hurt as she dug her nails through my coat, and she made a small choking noise.

Vaguely I heard 'Tou-san yelling at the cart-driver. I could almost taste his rage in the back of my mouth, silvery and metallic. I could feel the sparks as he turned on the crowd that had gathered, blaming each of them for... Kourin. When he turned to Ryuuen, he grew blank... silent. 'Kaa-san clung to my brother, sobbing, wailing. 'Tou-san knelt next to her and wiped her tears with a bloody thumb, then whispered in her ear. She nodded and stood, and motioned for Ryuuen to let my sister go and step back.

He did not see her.

"Ryuu-chan, we need to clear the road..." 'Kaa-san murmured through hiccups, "Please?"

"Kourin, Kourin," was his only reply, faint, muffled by Kourin's broken robes.

"Get up," 'Tou-san ordered, his rage softened.

"Kourin, Kourin..."

"Please don't make a scene..." 'Kaa-san tried to pull him free, but his strength shook her free, and she fell gracelessly.

'Tou-san grabbed his arm. "Get up!" Ryuuen wouldn't budge.

I could only stare... Obaa-san held me tighter, pulling my face into her bosom...

* * *

Things never changed. I mean, they changed, but they never progressed from there. At the wake Ryuu-chan sat vacantly in the corner. He never cried. He was so strong. While I sobbed at the family shrine, he knelt there, eyes dry. Long after the funeral he remained silent and dry.

When 'Tou-san screamed at him for letting Kourin out of his sight, I felt tears coming to my eyes, hot and burning. I could never let them fall, never. What would 'Tou-san say? But Ryuuen... Ryuu-chan, he sat there, staring 'Tou-san right in the eye, and barely blinked. So brave, so strong. Even 'Tou-san was impressed, calling him "stoic."

But Ryuuen never snapped out of it. At meals he at sparingly, sipping at some soup and staring vacantly at his rice. 'Kaa-san warned him, told him all sorts of stories about what happens if you waste your rice, all the misfortune, lost gold, all that... and he never flinched. Obaa-san tried force-feeding him, but his strength kept his jaws shut. 'Tou-san tried to slap some sense into him, despite 'Kaa-san's screams, but it never worked. 'Tou-san would scream at him not to make 'Kaa-san cry... But 'Kaa-san would cry, and Ryuuen would stare at his rice. On a good day he would poke it idly with his chopsticks... on a bad day he would barely drink tea, and would spit it out if it was medicinal.

He shrunk... his clothes puddled around him. His eyes were dark, hollow. He had bags blacker than Obaa-san.

Soon, when 'Tou-san shook him by his shoulders, telling him to eat, he would move limply. Obaa-san could pry his mouth open to feed him, but then he wouldn't chew, or would choke while swallowing.

He still helped in the shop, though. Usually, he would stand in a corner and stroke a bolt of purple silk. 'Tou-san would be busy fitting a customer, and we'd be in charge of the front room -- and Ryuuen'd leave all the work to me. I would smile at all the ladies, flirt with them, get them to tell me about my good looks, try to sell them some brocade... Ryuuen would hang back in the shadows, clutching his purple silk.

I hated it before, he could get away with everything, him and Kourin both, but now I was the perfect child. When father saw me with a customer and Ryuuen hanging back, now he would scold Ryuuen and try to pull the silk from his arms. Before, he would scold me for hogging the attention, I was doing it wrong, I could never do it right, let Ryuu-chan do it, he knows his way with the ladies!

The only time Ryuuen came to life was when little girls came in... rich little girls who needed to be fitted for some party or another. He would bounce up, smile ready, and run the girl through the store, showing her pink silks and ivory embroidery and red brocade. Wouldn't this be nice, little girl? Ahh, you look so cute! Just like a little Suzaku no Miko!

He would always go through that act with the little girls, charming their mothers, and winning a large order. If 'Tou-san saw this, he would say, "My, he's making progress!" And then he would congratulate him! The perfect boy again... though he was just making up for losing our sister.

He would show the purple silk to little girls sometimes, try to charm them into a dress. But if the girl was too convincing in it, he would grow silent and blank, often cutting off mid-sentence. The mother would panic, ask him to wake up, and right before she called for 'Tou-san he would snap out of it, resuming right where he left off, bright and cheery. His cheeks grew pink; his breath came fast -- when normally he was pallid and his breath soft and shallow. He was like a ghost, with life slowly being fed into him.

The perfect boy... and the annoyance, the burden, the ingrate. "Why keep fussing if you're still alive?" Obaa-san would ask. "At least the cart didn't get you too."

He never defended me from bullies anymore... 'Tou-san would scold me for not being stronger, not standing up for myself anymore. Before he thought I fought the bullies myself -- when it was really Ryuuen. Innocent little Ryuu-chan, fighting them all for me. So strong. But now he barely defended himself. He would drift from punch like a limp rag doll. So not only did I not stand up for myself, no, 'Tou-san scolded me for not defending my brother either.

But bruises and breathless blush were all that colored his face anymore. He ate less and less, grew smaller and smaller. Before bed we used to exchange scary stories, but now he lay across the room from me, wordless. If not for his sales pitches to the little girls, we would have thought he was mute. Sometimes, late at night, he would wake up with a cry, and begin to toss and turn, calling for Kourin.

I had nightmares too. Kourin would be running to me, holding her doll, ordering me to play with her. Before, I always thought I was so busy, so very important, I would yell at her to go away. In my dreams, I would forget she was dead, and yell for her to leave me... and she would explode in a burst of blood and purple cloth. Blood would cover my clothes, the wall, everything. I would burst into tears and run to the ancestral shrine, still covered in blood... and I'd wake up, in my pajamas, curled up beneath the shrine, cheeks wet with tears. Sometimes Obaa-san would find me, or one of the servants. Obaa-san would hold me, and then lead me to my room. The servants, though, they would scream, thinking I was a thief. They got used to it... The cook began to tease me, calling me altar-boy.

I began to flinch when I heard the cook's daughter, Miki, giggle. She would run down the hall, and I would start, thinking it was Kourin... But it never was.

'Kaa-san would run screaming if she heard Miki-chan, sometimes... The first time Ryuuen heard Miki giggling he broke into a run and tackled her, like he used to do to Kourin, but stopped before he could tickle her, realizing that she was someone else. Miki was in tears, and ran off to the kitchen. Ryuuen sat there, silent, the red from his run fading from his cheeks. Later, sometimes, 'Kaa-san would treat Miki to candies. Miki was one of the few people Ryuuen would acknowledge in his haze; he would ruffle her hair without looking, murmuring a soft "Miki-chan" in greeting. Me, he would walk by me without seeing. He never left frogs in my bed anymore. He never flicked pickles at me over dinner. He never did anything.

* * *

And one morning, he never woke up.

Well, he opened his eyes, but he never... woke up.

When 'Kaa-san tried to pull him from bed, he would collapse back into his pillows.

When 'Tou-san shook him by his shoulders and ordered him up, he would stare blankly.

When Obaa-san tried medicinal salves, he would vaguely shake her off and stare at the ceiling.

I tried to get him up too. I leapt into bed to try to wrestle him out, like I used to, but he wouldn't even fight back. He would just fall out of bed with me and lay there, breath soft and even. I held him and cried, cried my shameful tears that 'Tou-san said boys should never have. I lost Ryuu-chan too. I would snuggle close to him and beg him to wake up, but no response.

After awhile I hauled him back in bed and lay with him under the covers. "Ryuu-chan, you think this is funny, don'tcha?" I would ask him. "Please wake up. I'll tickle you if you don't." I went for his sweet spot, but no response, he would weakly swat my hand away and lay there. Not a sign of his special strength, nothing, just a weak swat. No laughter, nothing. When I would fall on him with Kourin, how loudly he would laugh! Obaa-san would come running, and scold us for making such a fuss so early in the morning.

But this time there was no fuss. I just lay there, stroking his hair, calling for him... and there was no answer. He would stare at the ceiling, breath steady. If he looked at me he never saw me, he looked past me. His hands were so cold, like ice.

When Obaa-san walked in on me calling for my brother, I cut her short. "Don't tell me I'm weak," I choked through my tears, "And don't tell me I'm too old..."

"Rokou-chan..." She sat at the edge of his bed, and began to rub my back. "Shh... there is no shame..."

"But," I sniffed, "you always say --"

"I say it when others can see your tears... but now," she paused, "Would he want to see you like this?"

"Genki deshita," I murmured softly, snuggling into Ryuuen's still form. He used to be so happy.

"Shhh."

"Shhh," I repeated after her. Her hand on my back eased my tension away. I felt like a baby, crying from a nightmare... I would wake up, full of tears, and she would be there, shushing me and rubbing my back, telling me I was floating on clouds. But now, could I wake up?

I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried…


	2. Darkness

Disclaimer: Me own nothing. Get it? Got it? Good. (I love Danny Kaye.)

AN: Wow, if you didn't already hate Rokou, now you will. But he's not bad! He's just... devastatingly normal. I feel sort of guilty for writing stories like this. I looked through my collection of fics, and I realize... all of them are me trying to process the death of a friend. But now, now, she's been dead for a year and a half and I still write fics about coping with death. So please... please don't hate Rokou. He is so very normal. Again, lightly edited, so I don't get too picky, and so that the rawness of the emotion remains. Oh, and I love Obaa-san. :D

Otouto

Darkness

After Kourin died, nothing seemed real. I never really accepted it at first. Like one morning she would come tip-toeing into our room and crawl into bed with Ryuuen, or she would grab my ankles from under a porch, or something. But nothing ever happened. Every little giggle was Kourin, but then I'd find the source and my image of little violet Kourin would fade into brown haired Miki, blue eyes wide and unsure.

At first, whenever I would see Ryuu-chan, I would jump back. But he was never our sister, though he was getting paper-pale enough to be a ghost. His muteness seemed like a joke, like a dream. Kourin and him were playing some grand joke on us and one day they both would pop out of bed laughing. They would run around us and tell us how they fooled us all. It was never Kourin! It was some dummy, some mannequin from 'Tou-san's store.

But then it sunk in. Her broken body, cleaned and stitched for the funeral. I could touch her cold, icy hands. I didn't want to, at first, I thought that if I never touched or saw her it wouldn't be real. If I never took her hand then, well, who's to say that she's not a wax model? And then the real Kourin will walk through the door, yawning and rubbing sleep from her eyes. But she never walked in. So I took her cold hand. Her flesh was like ice, but it was flesh, not wax. She was real. That was when my tears started.

Ryuuen refused to touch her body. He was probably just like me... if I don't touch her, then she won't be real. And the real Kourin will hop out of a closet, screaming and making scary faces. Then she would giggle and tell us she scared us all, you all look like you saw a ghost. But she never hopped out of a closet, she never crawled into bed with me, she never left rouge stains on the wall. She just lay there, cold and waxy, like a theatre prop. Hardly real. The kind of prop you see in puppet shows and laugh, saying, that can't be a ghost! That's no demon hand! But then you get closer... and the blue on her lips seemed all the more real. Like a ghost, a demon, who drifted into our house to stay the night, dressing in Kourin's clothes and tricking us all.

Some nights, I would lay in bed, so angry. It's his fault she died. He should have looked out for her. I always felt so sorry when 'Tou-san would yell the same things, but in my head I felt no different. The world would be a better place if you had died instead. You're better than me at everything. You play too many pranks. She was cuter and sweeter and nicer to cuddle. And... and then I would dissolve into my shameful tears, bleeding out all of my anger and sorrow through my eyes.

* * *

One day, when we were watching the shop for 'Tou-san, I told you how I felt. I was so bitter then, so angry, so stupid. Ryuu-chan, I'm so sorry.

* * *

Ryuuen was draping gold silk over a girl's shoulder to show the mother how it brought out her eyes. "Look, look! The gold brings out all the green!"

"Aaah! Kirei!"

"See? See?" He said eagerly, turning the girl to the mirror. She giggled happily. "See, look how pretty this color makes you look!"

"Oh, you're such a brilliant boy! The girls must adore you!"

Ryuuen ignored her comment, searching for some green gauze.

I sat back behind the counter, arms crossed. He always did this. I watched the little girl. She was eight or nine, same size as Kourin, her giggle so eerily the same.

"Ryuu-chan... stop playing this game." I muttered under my breath.

He didn't hear me, but the mother certainly did. "What game?"

"Ryuu-chan, you're just doing this because of Kourin..."

Despite the softness of my voice, he heard me. "Kourin?" he asked, breathless.

"It was all your fault, and you know it! You're just making up for it... being so nice..."

He looked like I had punched him in the gut.

Tears were coating the backs of my eyelids. The look of horror on his face. Images of Kourin's wax body, still, like a sleeping princess... It was his fault! I was so angry... I'm so sorry, Ryuu-chan. I just couldn't stop.

"You killed her!" I was crying now, I stood up so abruptly that my chair fell behind me. "You killed her! You pushed her in the way! Or something!"

He was beginning to hyperventilate. The bolt of gold silk clattered to the floor, his hands quaking. "Not you too...?"

I just couldn't stop. I had come out from behind the counter. He took a step away from me.

"Not you too...?"

I seized him by the shoulders and shook him. "Yes, me too! You could have done something!"

He couldn't hold my eyes. When 'Tou-san yelled he met his gaze... but with me, he could not. For some reason that made me feel so powerful. I could do what our father couldn't. 'Tou-san could not, no matter how hard he tried, stare Ryuu-chan down. I'm so very weak, I'm so terrible.

"Maybe it would have been better if you died!" I thrust him away from me. The look of fear in his eyes empowered me. "What good are you anyway? If you can't save her and then you go and sweet talk every other girl like her?"

"I..." He was studying his thumbnail. I felt so powerful.

"You shouldn't be alive."

He met my gaze. I felt so cold on the inside. "Not you too?"

I tried to glare at him, but I couldn't bear it anymore... my anger and fear and sadness bubbled over and I bent over the counter, sobbing.

As I cried, Ryuu-chan slowly stepped backwards towards his corner, towards his sacred bolt of violet silk. "I couldn't do --"

"Bullshit! Do you have your seishi powers for nothing?" In the corner of my eye I watched the mother drag her little girl out the door. Another thing to blame on murderer Ryuuen, I thought.

"Not you too?" His voice was muffled by the bolt of violet silk he clutched. Those were the last words he ever said to me. For a long time.

* * *

I'm so terribly sorry.

* * *

Obaa-san's the only one who found out about that exchange. I told her, as I held Ryuu-chan's still body. She stopped rubbing my back as I told her. Without her soothing hand my sobbing hiccups returned. When she didn't replace her hand when I had finished, I sighed. "I would hate me too..."

She made a soft sniffing sound, and then lay down on top of me, hugging me close through the blankets. "It's normal to be so angry..."

"I shouldn't've said anything..." I sniffed to try to stop my crying, but that only transformed somehow into a sob, a long coughing choking one that leaves your chest feeling absolutely hollow.

"When bad things happen," she whispered into my ear, "we get so angry, so upset, that we can't change anything... and we hurt people."

"I'm sorry..."

She sat back up and resumed rubbing my back. "You used to have an older sister."

"Eh?"

"When she was still an infant she started coughing... and never stopped."

"Oh..."

"And I was so furious with your mother... I screamed and screamed. 'Stupid girl, stupid girl, you killed my baby! You didn't do anything right, you didn't keep her warm enough, you didn't do anything!' But... that same winter... so many other babies died. It didn't snow, but it got so cold... But I couldn't stop yelling, yelling that nothing she did was right... she ran away to her parents' house... but she came back eventually."

"Will Ryuu-chan come back?"

"You're not evil, Rokou-chan," she said, evading the question.

I left it at that and tried to let her soothe away my tears, calm me into sleep.

* * *

Some mornings I would wake up to the smell of rice and fish. I would roll over and groggily watch 'Kaa-san try to feed some breakfast to Ryuu-chan. Some days he would sit up and accept the food, like a helpless baby bird... but on others 'Kaa-san ate most of it. At first I felt so bitter, why does he get the attention? Is he the new baby? But then I began thinking about how this was all my fault in the first place. I yelled at him, I betrayed him. "Not you too?" I kept seeing that look he had on his face... horrified and afraid and shameful. It used to make me feel so powerful; I could scare my strong brother. But now I felt like a bully. Every time I woke up to him taking breakfast I began to think about how it was all my fault, and I would roll over again and cry into my pillow. I said horrible things, I would think to myself. But as time went on my list of horrible things extended... I not only said horrible things, I also should have kept a better eye on Ryuuen and Kourin... my precious otouto and imouto...

The day they left the house, Kourin had begged me to come with them for snacks. She tugged on my arm and gave me her saddest eyes, her fakest pout, and called me "Nii-san" in her most syrupy voice. If only I had bought her fake-sad act! Maybe she'd be alive. And I wouldn't've said terrible things to Ryuuen! And he wouldn't be a ghost. And 'Kaa-san wouldn't be crying and wasting away. And 'Tou-san wouldn't be so edgy and angry all the time, jumpy without his sweet little girl to hug and tease and give sweets to behind Obaa-san's back. And Obaa-san wouldn't seem so old and worn... and everything would be back to normal. And 'Kaa-san wouldn't be at Ryuuen's bedside because of his condition, no, he'd have some fever or something and she'd be checking on him! And soon Kourin would tip-toe in, and 'Kaa-san would yell at her to keep away so she wouldn't get sick too. And then Kourin would crouch down and try to crawl behind her to get to Ryuu-chan, but 'Kaa-san would catch her, and tell her to be more lady-like!

And then I'd realize that it was all just a dream. Kourin will never come sneaking into our room again. And I'd keep thinking how it was all my fault.

And then I began to understand why Ryuu-chan would lay around in bed all day. Sometimes I felt so weak, so paper-thin and see-through, that I wished life would melt away. I would be standing behind the counter in the store, and suddenly find myself wishing I could melt into nothing, collapse, something. I began to feel so frail and weak, speech was a burden.

Obaa-san confronted me about my behavior one day, and I told her that I just felt like fading away. And she slapped me.

"Stupid boy! Not you too!"

"Not... you... too?" I repeated weakly, not bothering to touch my tender cheek. For an old bat she had quite a swing.

"Stupid boy, stupid boy!" She waved her arms in the air in frustration. "Both of you!"

"Both...?"

"Ryuuen told me this too! I feel weak, I can't live, life is worthless! You're too young for that!"

"But --"

"No buts! You don't feel weak and frail until you've lived! Until you lose a love to some rich man! Or lose your fortune! Or -- or -- lose a child! You stupid..." She trailed off. "Do not do this. For your mother's sake. She cannot take another..." She shook her head with frustration.

"Another?" I asked dumbly.

Obaa-san threw up her hands. "Stupid boy!" She turned and left.

I got her point, though. 'Kaa-san was falling apart... she looked like a frail little rag doll when she fed Ryuuen, her seams fraying and her hair growing ragged.

But then I would get back to thinking -- Oh, it is my fault!

Then, after a long while, I realized... there was nothing I could do about it in the first place. Kourin was dead, and there was nothing I could have done, nothing Ryuuen could have done, nothing... nothing... nothing.

So I would hug him, crying, telling him how sorry I am. How very very sorry. Sometimes he would hang limply... but eventually he began to hug me back. And eat more and more of his fish and rice.

But he never spoke, never met my gaze, no matter how much I told him I was sorry... so terribly fucking sorry...


	3. Baka

Disclaimer: Um, no. I own nothing. Especially not FY.

AN: Ok, this chapter sucks. Alot. Like woah. I can't believe how much this sucks. But you'll have to deal with it anyway. Until I decide that I want to redo it, or something. Yeah. I suck.

Otouto

Baka

When Kourin was little, it was as if she had some great spirit watching over her. If both me and Ryuuen caught fevers, she never did. When she hid in the top shelf of the store, she didn't get hurt when all the fabric fell because of her weight... while Ryuuen, up there with her, broke his arm. Ryuuen always seemed to take injuries that she should have taken herself, though it hardly seemed intentional. If they both fell from an apple tree, she would get a scrape on her knee, while he got a sprained ankle. And even if Ryuuen was never in sight, she never got hurt.

One year at the Star Festival, she snuck up on the Tiger-man. That year he brought a great white tiger from up north, and she couldn't take her eyes off him. The cat was so large, so elegant. That night the tree of us were watching 'Tou-san's booth to earn spending money... and about halfway through our shift Kourin vanished. Ryuuen panicked because he loved our sister... and I panicked because I was the one in charge. Always so greedy and petty.

Ryuuen snuck off to try to find her, while I watched the booth, trying to sell hats and fans. When Obaa-san stopped by, I lied and told her they had gone across the street to watch some acrobats, we'll go look around when they come back.

"I don't see them," she told me.

"Oh, um, they're there, they're there," I lied. "See? There's Kourin!" I pointed at the crowd surrounding the acrobats, aiming at noone in particular.

Obaa-san winked at me. "I'll come back in a bit to take up shop, make sure they're back by then."

I gulped uneasily. She knew, but she wasn't telling.

While I waited, Ryuuen searched for our sister. First, he checked the acrobats. Then, the puppet show. Then, the Tiger-man. The tiger-man was sitting on the back of his wagon, eating some wontons before his next show. Inside the cart, the tiger dozed in his cage. And there was no sign of Kourin. So Ryuuen continued his search elsewhere.

Kourin, however, _was_ with the Tiger-man. Hiding under his wagon, she clung to one of the wheels until Ryuuen left. Then she, being the daredevil that she was, somehow managed climb into the wagon through a window... without being spotted.

Our sister, the intelligent one, wanted to see the cute, pretty white tiger. And the Tiger-man, also being quite intelligent, left the keys to the tiger's cage hanging from a peg inside the wagon. So, Kourin climbed on some boxes to reach the keys... and opened the tiger's cage. And the Tiger man, being as deaf as he was stupid, didn't notice a thing, being as engrossed in his wontons as he was.

Kourin survived.

The big cat just lazed around in his cage, squinted boredly at her (despite her food-like size), and rolled onto his side, purring. Like a giant housecat. Kourin was highly amused, and petted him... and snuggled with him... and somehow did not get killed. Whatever guardian spirit was watching over her was doing a damned good job.

Ryuuen, however, did not have as much luck as that spirit. He could not find our sister, and after reaching the end of the street turned to jog back to our cart. On his way back the tiger-man was opening up his wagon to fetch the tiger for his next show. And, right as Ryuuen passed by, the tiger-man began to have a heart attack after finding Kourin curled up happily with the giant purring cat.

"Oh shit, oh shit, don't be dead!" cried the Tiger-man.

That got Ryuuen's attention. He fought his way through the crowd that had gathered to see Yuki, the Great White Wonder of the North.

Inside the wagon, Kourin sat up and grinned at the Tiger-man. "I like your cat!"

"Holy shit, kid, get out of there!"

The tiger was calm, Ryuuen claims, until it saw him. Of course. Typical of the guardian spirit to leave Ryuuen out of the deal.

In the end, the two of them got back before Obaa-san, albeit rather... winded. The Tiger-man made it out ok too, for that matter -- the chase scene, Ryuuen claims, got him lots of tips, since everyone thought it was all a part of the act.

Somehow Obaa-san heard about the incident. She didn't rain doom down upon us, but I did hear her commenting that someday that spirit would get tired of watching Kourin, and that someday her husband will be Death.

* * *

After the festival, Kourin decided to adopt one of the cook's mousing cats. He was just a little kitten, orange and tiger striped. But he grew. Oh, did he grow. Before long, he was a giant blob of fat who enjoyed lazing around in the sun in the courtyard, and stealing fish from the cook. Kourin liked to call him Yuki, though he looked nothing like snow, and nothing like the tiger. Ryuuen, on the other hand, liked calling the cat "Baka." Baka didn't like him very much either, and would hiss whenever he saw my brother... but Ryuu-chan would hiss right back. It was funny at first, my brother arching his back and opening his mouth wide in a hiss, but after awhile it got old... but that didn't stop Kourin from rolling on the ground with laughter every time she saw it. Sometimes she would try rubbing Ryuu-chan behind the ears to see if he would purr, but he seemed to have trouble making that sound, and he (not so secretly) disliked Baka. Alot.

A few days before Kourin died, Baka vanished. She was so sad, she ran through the house calling for him, she looked under all the beds, in all the closets, under all the porches... nothing. She even harassed Baka's mother, lifting the poor cat into the air and questioning her. After a few hours of such antics, she gave up and hid behind the Family Shrine, sobbing. Though Ryuuen was secretly glad that the cat was gone -- and so was I, he got fur everywhere -- he still hunted her down and pretended to be terribly sad. And then he would distract her by telling her, oh, the plums are ripe next door, lets go steal some before they go rotten! And then off they would go, over the fence and up the tree like bandits.

And, when Baka left, so did her great guardian spirit. Next door, Li-san's housekeeper found Kourin sitting under the plum tree, nursing a badly scraped arm. 'Tou-san was hardly pleased. Later, Kourin tripped on the stairs and spat out a molar. Luckily, it was a baby tooth. Then, she almost choked on a fish-bone. Ryuuen thought it was hilarious, and we both teased her about how Death was out to get her. The next day, I strapped pillows to her and told her that if they came off, she would fall off a balcony and die. She was scared so much; she didn't dare leave her room. Later, Ryuuen told her that maybe if she dressed in his clothes, Death wouldn't recognize her. 'Tou-san was fooled for a bit, 'Kaa-san thought it was cute, but eventually Obaa-san had enough and told us we should be ashamed of ourselves, and told Kourin that Death was not out to get her.

And then, the next day... the very next fucking day!

The next day she went and got herself killed.

* * *

That night, Ryuu-chan spoke with me across our dark room. "It's our fault, isn't it?"

I rolled over and covered my head with my pillow.

"Right? We called Death to her."

"You don't believe that crap, do you?" I mumbled from under my pillow.

"I don't know..."

Silence.

"She's probably not even dead..."

I covered my ears with my pillow.

"Ne, Nii-san?"

I curled up into a little ball and tried to ignore him.

"Ne, Rokou-nii-san?"

Ignore, ignore...

"Ne...?"

"Shut the hell up, she's dead!"

"...oh."

* * *

Baka didn't come back until Ryuuen was already... asleep. He would wander in and rub against Ryuu-chan's hand in the middle of the night, purring. He never tried to make his bed with Ryuuen, though... he did that with me instead.

The first time I woke up to Baka's loud purring, I started and sat up, thinking I had awoke from a terrible dream... In a daze I stumbled to Kourin's room and peered inside, expecting to find her sleeping form, expecting to find out that all this business of her being dead was just a dream. Her room was so quiet, so still, no soft snores, nothing. Her window was closed tight, though she loved to sleep with it open.

When I opened her window it creaked loudly with disuse, and pulled cobwebs along with it. I sneezed from the dust. As the moonlight poured in, I saw her bed, immaculate and empty. I saw her vanity, dusty and alone. I saw her dolls, lined up neatly against the wall, abandoned.

She was gone.

I cried for awhile in her bed, weak, so weak. Baka had followed me in, and hopped onto the bed. His purring and rubbing calmed me. When I stopped crying I couldn't make myself move... her bed still smelled of her hair, of cherry blossoms and sugar. I was the eldest, but I was so weak. I felt so tiny, like her room was expanding infinitely and I was growing smaller and smaller.

Eventually, I decided that I should go to bed... 'Kaa-san wouldn't be able to take seeing Kourin's bed occupied... but I still couldn't move. Baka was asleep on my legs, and he was so big and heavy, nothing but fat. I tried to lift him off, and he blinked at me lazily. I couldn't find anywhere to grip him from; he was all fat and no bones, nothing to hold. I tried hissing at him like Ryuu-chan used to, and he only yawned and meowed softly. I tried to shove and kick him, and he would paw at me halfheartedly and curl back into a ball.

I levered him off after awhile and went back to bed... but he followed me and resumed his post on my legs, only this time on top of my blankets... every time I wanted to roll over I had to shove him out of the way first.

I got used to sleeping with Baka after awhile. Though sometimes he would invade my dreams.

* * *

When you sleep for too long, dreams become strange and haunted. You see things you'd never see, you do things you'd never do, and fragments of things you see half-awake become integrated into your dreams. Sometimes, 'Kaa-san would invade my dreams, ghostly and smelling of the fish she fed the catatonic Ryuuen. She was dressed all in white, and she would run down the halls wailing in grief, and people came from throughout the land to see the great ghostly wonder! Other times, Ryuuen would come, and he would be a corpse, and I at his funeral... or he would be small and alone and blood-covered, his lips blue and his shoulders shaking from cold I could not feel... or he would be a zombie, limping and cold...

But usually, Baka would invade. I would dream sometimes that he was talking to me with Kourin's voice, and she was telling me that I killed her. Other times, he was death, and every time he scratched someone they would die. When I felt him jump up on the bed with me, my dream-self was being tackled by a giant Baka, claws out and teeth bared. When I heard him purring to make his little nest between my legs, I dreamt of the real Yuki sleeping with Kourin in the Tiger-man's wagon, only this time Kourin was mauled, bloody, and dead. I would walk up behind her, and think she was sleeping. Then I'd touch her shoulder, and she would fall away from him, the unseen half of her body covered in blood and bite marks.

So, when I saw Baka hop from my bed and cross the room to rub against Ryuuen's hand, I thought I was dreaming... and when I saw Ryuuen sit up and lift Baka into bed with him, I _knew_ I was dreaming. And then, when Ryuuen got out of bed and walked out to the hall on quiet, uneasy feet, I was _absolutely certain_ I was dreaming...

So I lay in bed and watched shadows move across the ceiling. And then, when my bed didn't suddenly grow legs and walk away, I realized... it's not a dream.

I followed Ryuu-chan out into the hall, and saw him disappear into our parents' room... only 'Kaa-san would be there, 'Tou-san was off in Hokkan-koku, buying some wool... and likely, as 'Kaa-san liked to bitterly comment, sleeping with a prostitute right now.

"'Kaa-san, I can't sleep..."

He speaks!

"Mm... baby, aren't you too old for this...?" She didn't sound like she realized who she was talking to.

"Kaa-san..." he whined.

"Ok, come on, get in, Ko-- ah, oh, um, come on..."

A rustle of sheets.

I just had to be dreaming.

* * *

That morning, when I saw Ryuu-chan's bed empty, I realized that it wasn't a dream. Uneasily, I peeked in 'Kaa-san's room... empty. Eventually I found my way to the kitchen, where Umi, our cook, was emptying some fried rice onto Ryuu-chan's plate.

'Kaa-san grinned at me, her cheeks bright for once. "Look who's up!" She said, happily, gesturing at Ryuuen.

I just stood there... he was awake...

I just about tackled him when I gave him a hug, making him choke on his rice and knocking him from his chair. He was fine! He was eating! I wasn't some evil demon of a brother, I didn't break him, I didn't do anything wrong! Suzaku loves us, soon he'll send Kourin skipping through the door, the world is so good!

He coughed, trying to swallow his rice. "Rokou-nii-san...?"

He spoke to me! He acknowledged me! "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." I buried my face in his shoulder and cried.

I'm sure Umi-san and 'Kaa-san stared, but I didn't care.

"Rokou-nii-san... let go..." He weakly tried to pry me off. I should have realized right then that something was wrong. Before, he used to relish in tossing me into walls with that strength of his.

Eventually, I let go and he righted his chair and sat down.

I began to eat my own fried rice, watching him as he examined a piece of carrot with a skeptical eye.

Then Baka came in, purring, tail high. When Ryuu-chan saw him, he did something very strange... he lowered his hand to floor-level and called Baka over. And began to rub the cat behind the ears.

"Ryuuen, not while you're eating," 'Kaa-san scolded.

"Mou..."

This was weird, considering he used to hate the cat. "What, no hiss?" I asked him, nudging him with my elbow.

He elbowed me back. No strength. I didn't go flying. "Why would I hiss at Yuki?"

Ok, right then I knew something was wrong. Yuki? He never called that cat Yuki... noone did anymore.

"Ryuu-chan, tea?" 'Kaa-san asked, frighteningly perky.

"'Kaa-san," he said softly, his violet eyes wide and confused, "Why do you keep calling me that?"


	4. Tremor

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FY.

**AN:** Wow, it's been awhile. Otouto's something I've been meaning to continue for awhile, but I either don't have time, or have no clue how to proceed. So, this afternoon while I was waiting to be picked up for spring break, I decided that I just needed to plow through my writer's block. And, well, I plowed. I didn't plow very well, but I plowed. Watch out for bad grammar and spelling mistakes... and completely nonsensical prose. This chapter's really short and weak compared to the other ones, but I just needed to get through this part fast and painless and get it behind me so I can continue. Oh, and the first line is the same as the last line in chapter 3 because I really needed somewhere to start from. And, for the record, no, 8 year olds aren't that hard to carry... The size is akward, but they're still not that heavy.

**Otouto**

Tremor

"'Kaa-san," he said softly, his violet eyes wide and confused, "Why do you keep calling me that?"

I choked on my tea. I heard a distant clatter as 'Kaa-san dropped the cup she was holding out to Ryuu-chan.

He looked genuinely confused. "'Kaa-san? Daijoubu?"

I kept my cup at my lips and nibbled uncertainly on the rim. I kept thinking, maybe if I didn't speak, this moment wouldn't be real. Maybe the universe would come to its senses and everything would go back to normal. And Kourin would fall out of a cupboard giggling, about how she fooled us all. And Ryuu-chan would laugh too, and tease 'Kaa-san for being so surprised. Or maybe, it wasn't really Ryuuen, and instead it was Kourin sitting there in his clothes, and they'll both fall to the ground as one, laughing and pointing. And they'll point at me, and laugh, laugh at the tea all over my face, dripping off my chin. They'd laugh at how I was fighting back coughs after choking on my tea. They'd laugh.

But there was no laughter.

"'Kaa-san? Rokou-nii-san?" Ryuuen looked from her to me and from me to her, his eyes growing wider by the second. "What's wrong?"

'Kaa-san slammed her fist on the table. I made the mistake of meeting her eyes. They were like fire.

Ryuu-chan met her eyes too, and he began to shrink into his shoulders. "'Kaa-san?"

"Ryuuen. Don't you say garbage like that. Ever again." Her voice trembled. Yet, despite the trembling voice, and her frail, sickly frame... I feared her. She seemed to tower over us. Her presence flowed into every corner the room, suffocating me.

Ryuu-chan nearly fell from his chair. "Y-yes..."

I could feel the heat being drawn away from my body. My limbs began to tingle from cold. My hands shook as I wiped the spilled tea from my face, my hands quivered and chopsticks shook as they guided bits of fish to my mouth. I turned to look at Ryuuen, who was poking at his rice. His chopsticks swayed in his uncertain hands, his eyes were wide and blank.

* * *

When we were younger, we knew Ryuuen would be a hero. After all, the legends said he would be. The three of us would lie around and imagine all the great adventures he would have as a seishi, defending his Miko. And then the three of us would roam the house, acting out all our stories, us three fighting evil up and down the stairs, through the kitchen, under the porch, and up several trees. 

We always wondered when the Miko would appear. At night I'd see Ryuuen sitting by the window, watching for a shooting star, insisting that was how she would come to Earth. Soon, the falling star was not a sign of the Miko's appearance, but the Miko herself... We began to imagine her as a goddess from above, a star, literally plucked from the heavens, to save us all.

When the Miko never came, we began to wonder if she ever would. What if she got lost? What if she was captured? What if?

So we ran away.

* * *

It was my idea, really. I decided we should go search for her, make sure she was safe. And we'd have our adventure. Ryuuen would be the brave Nuriko, I would be his brave retainer, and Kourin would be our brave look-out at home. After all, we wouldn't get too far in our search if 'Tou-san and 'Kaa-san knew we were missing, would we? 

Our adventure didn't carry us very far, though. By the end of the day, we were huddled in an alley behind our house, drenched with rain.

The water ran across our faces, swept hair into our eyes, covered us in mud, clung to our eyelashes and dripped off our noses. My pants clung to my legs, sending sharp pinpricks of cold through my body. Mud and water squished between my toes, my shoes were flooded and heavy.

Ryuuen sat near me, turned away, sulking. He hugged his wet, muddy knees to his chest; his eyes were sad and lost.

"Ryuu-chan, we should go back."

No response.

"Ryuu-chan?" I reached out to touch his shoulder.

He swung his arm back at mine to scare me off. I scooted away.

"We should go back..."

He sniffed softly from the cold and curled himself tighter into a ball. "Why should we give up?"

"'Tou-san and 'Kaa-san will be mad..."

"So!" His face vanished between his knees and arms. His hands were plastered to his back, shaking like twin white leaves. A few minutes later, he turned to look at me, still hugging himself. "Why do you only care about getting in trouble?"

"Because 'Tou-san knows better than to hit you." My anger made me colder. My fingertips tingled. My back hurt from shivering.

Ryuuen buried his head in his arms again, this time tucking his hands into his sleeves. "I'm Nuriko." I could barely hear him.

"What?"

"I'm Nuriko," he whispered, "So I should never give up."

I wanted to scream, "You're Nuriko, so you're the special one. You get gifts, you get pampered, you're never blamed for anything, nobody would lay one finger on you." But the words just wouldn't form. So I sat there, cold, wet, and muddy, staring at his pitiful, hunched over, shivering silhouette.

Jealousy, anger, and bitterness were about to consume me when I felt Ryuu-chan lean gently on my shoulder. I almost didn't feel the weight, what made me notice was the warmth.

"Nii-san, what's it like to die?" He was so pale. "What will the Miko do if I die of cold?"

As I carried him home, I wasn't sure what I was afraid of more... being punished for almost leading an 8 year old to his death, or almost leading Nuriko to his death. I held him close, yet I resented him. I wanted to drop him in the mud and leave him there. Every step was heavy and terrible. I was walking to my death. Kourin was too young and cute to be blamed. Ryuuen was going to be a hero. And Ryuuen was a little gentleman. That left me... clumsy, boring, irresponsible Rokou.

* * *

Ryuuen didn't look like a hero anymore. 

He sat hunched over, chopsticks shaking, eyes wide. Hardly heroic.

When he returned my gaze, his eyes were glazing over with tears.

I was too scared to speak. I stared at him, frozen, afraid to finish chewing, afraid to breathe, afraid to let my heart beat. I wanted that one moment to extend into eternity. If time stopped, things wouldn't get worse.

"Nii-san, is she really dead?" Time started again, and it was going too fast. Before I could respond, the tears that had been dangling precariously at the tips of his lashes began to skip down his quaking face. "She's not."

I tried to slow time again. I tried to stretch each moment, each heartbeat, so that things would not get worse.

But time refused to cooperate; it kept speeding up, faster and faster, until Ryuuen stabbed his chopsticks deep into the table and stormed out of the room. I was afraid to look at 'Kaa-san, fearing her gaze, her presence, her anger, her sadness.

I realized I'd been holding the same bite of food in my mouth the entire time... I tried to swallow, but I chewed it too much. My stomach churned.

The world was moving too fast, and I couldn't stop it.


	5. Unravel

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FY. End of story.

**AN:** Wow, more Otouto, and it didn't take me 6 months to do. Well, no random flashbacks in this chapter. But everyone teeters on the edge of sanity, wheee fun. I'm not sure how many more chapters there'll be. I'll stop when I've milked enough of poor Rokou's 13 year old angst, and done enough of Ryuuen's transformation. But man, Rokou is such a gold-mine for angst. And please review, I'm such an attention whore. And, again, please excuse brain and grammar farts. Oh, and FYI... "boku" is the polite male form for I, "atashi" is the feminine form of I. Nuriko uses "atashi" during the show.

**Otouto**

Unravel

After Ryuuen left, I ate slowly, carefully avoiding eye contact with 'Kaa-san. She simmered across the table from me. First, she merely drummed her fingers across the table top. Then, she began tapping her foot nervously. Eventually the tapping stopped, but her breathing was ragged. I stole a glance at her between mouthfuls of rice, and she seemed to have a dark cloud hovering over her head. She was bent over the table, hands in her hair, hyperventilating. Her once glossy black-purple hair was matted and dull, a dingy curtain protecting me from the burning glare of her red-rimmed eyes.

Umi tried to avoid 'Kaa-san, and pretended to be very interested in scraping bits of fish and oil out of the bottom of her wok. Occasionally I saw Umi peek at 'Kaa-san, trying very hard to seem disinterested. I could almost see her ears craning and twitching like a cat's, responding to every noise in the room, waiting for all hell to break loose. Well, to break loose more than it already had.

I really wasn't very hungry. Fear and worry and adrenaline made my stomach clench up into knots. I kept dropping bits of oily fish onto the floor for Baka, who was waiting expectantly. 'Kaa-san didn't object. I doubt she even noticed. I could barely swallow my rice, let alone my fish. I wanted to crawl back into bed... maybe I'd wake up in a few hours and all this would be a dream. Everything. Everything would be a dream. The past months would undo themselves like rough fabric, everything would unravel and everyone would be happy again.

Our uneasy peace was broken by 'Baa-san's entrance. Despite her age, she seemed to float in. "Ryuu-chan's awake," she said, voice severe, though joy lit up her face. That was when 'Kaa-san snapped.

She stood so quickly her chair tipped, and she glared at 'Baa-san through her dark veil of hair. "I know," she growled. "I know the brat's awake. I know he's awake. I KNOW HE'S AWAKE." I flinched. She was screaming.

Normally 'Baa-san would have a quick, burning reply. But she was silent. I stared blankly at my half-empty bowl of rice. I wonder how we all must of looked to her... 'Kaa-san the tallest she's ever been, radiating cold fury; Umi, backed up against the wall, pale as a sheet; me, silent and blank; and then Ryuu-chan's chopsticks sticking out of the poor table, a small spider web of cracks radiating out from their splintered tips.

"I know he's awake." 'Kaa-san's voice was a soft wail. "He's awake and doing well. He ate with us this morning." She laughed discordantly and waved her hand at the unfortunate chopsticks.

I closed my eyes tight; I knew something bad was coming. Whenever 'Kaa-san scolded us, her anger came in waves. She would scream and tear at her hair, then she would grow silent and weak, and then scream more, each scream more intense than the last, and each lull meeker than the last, until she had exhausted herself into nothingness. The time I had run away with Ryuuen, she vacillated between screaming and whimpering silence until she kicked over a vase and fell into a dead faint. 'Tou-san's anger was sharp and frequent, and his insults were biting, but his anger often melted away within a few minutes. It took more to get 'Kaa-san worked up, but once she was mad enough, she would just keep boiling and simmering until she became a human typhoon.

"He's awake and EVERYONE is happy." I heard a plate break.

My stomach clenched. I opened my eyes wide and stood up abruptly. "Gochisousamadeshita," I mumbled. Then, with controlled slowness, I walked towards the door. I could feel 'Kaa-san's eyes burning into my back.

Once I was out into the hall, I broke into a run.

Ryuuen was already in bed when I got to our room. He was asleep, but damp with tears.

"That's what we get for eating in the kitchen. Soon the whole city will know you're crazy." I told him as I crawled into my bed. He snored softly in reply.

I wanted to sleep. Sleep until everything went away. I curled myself up into a little ball and snuggled myself against the wall, shivering. I wanted everything back in its place. I wanted Kourin back. I wanted Ryuuen back. I wanted 'Kaa-san back. I wanted everything back.

I stared sadly at the wall, then the ceiling, then the wall again, until I realized I couldn't sleep. My stomach was too knotted up with fear. I didn't want to wake up and find Ryuuen asleep for good. I rolled over to face his bed. "Don't do anything stupid," I told him.

I was shivering and restless and tense and unhappy. I couldn't sleep. The birds chirped outside our window to spite me. Eventually I got up to shut our window. My knees were knocking together, my hands wavered. I could barely hold still long enough to pull the window closed.

I know we were both too old, but my unsteady feet led me to Ryuu-chan's bed. "Move over," I told him as I eased him to one side and crawled pitifully into bed with him. "Please don't leave me," I murmured as I settled myself next to him, back to back.

This is stupid, I told myself. You're the older brother; you shouldn't need comforting. You shouldn't be afraid. You shouldn't be shaking with fear and unable to sleep. You shouldn't need to sleep with your little brother in order to feel safe. You're so weak. You're such an idiot. Remember when you kicked him out of your bed during a bad storm when he was seven? You're too old for this. You're too old to be afraid.

I went on like that until our combined warmth soothed me, and I stopped shaking. I began to pick absently at a loose thread on my sleeve. It began to pull out, and the seam began to spread apart. I wanted to do that to time. I wanted to pick at the threads until these past months fell apart and ceased to exist. On impulse, I rolled over and buried my face in Ryuu-chan's hair. I was far too old for this. As I drifted off into sleep a few tragic tears stained Ryuu-chan's hair... I should be stronger than this. I'm the older brother.

I didn't want to lose my otouto. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want any of this to be real.

* * *

I slept long and heavy. When I woke, the real world seemed so far away... my consciousness had to claw through layers of fog and doubt into awareness. 

"Rokou-nii-san..."

"Mmh... go away." I tried to strike out with my arm, but both were stretched up above my head and asleep. I groaned and tried to move them, but they tingled painfully.

"Rokou-nii-san..."

I had finally managed to move my arms down to my chest. "Lemme sleep." I rolled over onto my arms, hoping it'd dull the painful pinpricks of sleep running down my arms. It was then that I realized Ryuuen wasn't in bed with me anymore.

"Rokou-nii-san... wake up..."

I opened one eye to glare at Ryuu-chan for waking me, ready to snap at him, but I froze.

Red-rimmed violet eyes stared down at me. But, there was no beauty mark. The long lavender hair was down. A pink dress...

I sat up so hard that I fell out of bed. "Ko-kourin!"

"Rokou-nii-san, can you help me with something?"

I stared. "You're dead. This is a dream." The soft ruffles of gauze and silk around her neck, her long soft hair, her delicate face, everything was the same. I shook with fear. My stomach convulsed. My heart dropped out of my ribs and into my stomach, while my stomach leapt up into my throat. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to scream, but nothing came out.

"No, no, Rokou-nii-san." She smiled weakly. One red-rimmed eye twitched. "You know how Kourin-chan used to twist her hair into loops?"

"L-loops?"

"Yeah, loops." Kourin pulled some of her hair back into a lopsided pigtail. "How'd she do it?"

"She? Do what..?"

"Yes, I wanna... I wanna do my hair in loops." Kourin was talking funny. First, she said "boku," and then she changed back to "atashi." What?

My stomach dropped back into its proper place. It was full of ice. The ice clawed at my insides and quickly shot out through my body, sending shocks of dread down my arms and legs. "Ryuuen?"

Kourin Ryuuen smiled. The red-rimmed eye twitched again.

I grabbed him by the shoulders. My arms were still asleep, but I tried to ignore the pin-like pains. "RYUUEN?"

His smile faded and he shrank back into his shoulders. "Y-yes..."

"She's dead." I shook him. "She's DEAD."

"No." He tried that pathetic smile again. "She's alive."

I felt myself crying. When I pulled that thread, it unraveled my life... it didn't turn back time. It only made things worse...

"She's alive."

My heart was racing. I let go of him and slowly backed away across the floor. I bumped my head on my bed frame. "Ryuu-chan..."

His eyes were watering. "She's ALIVE." He wiped his eyes his sleeve, and began to smile again.

I tried to back away from him again, but I forgot the bed behind me, and hit my head again.

He stood up stiffly, still smiling. "Silly Rokou-nii-san... I'll figure it out myself." And then he was gone in a flutter of silk.

I rested my head on my bed frame. The world was going even faster now, and I still couldn't make it stop...

I'm such a failure.


	6. Wicked

**Disclaimer:** I don't own FY.

**AN:** Wow, another chapter in the same day. I'm on a roll. I really like my version of Rokou, as horrible as he is at times. He's just so human. Again, watch for falling grammar and spelling. And brain farts. Meh. People actually read this, right? I'll write anyway even if noone does, since it's good practice. :D :D :D

**Otouto**  
Wicked

I am wicked. So, so wicked.

After Ryuu-chan left, I didn't worry about what 'Kaa-san would say to him about his costume. Or what 'Tou-san would say when he returned from his trip. I worried about what would happen if I was caught in the crossfire. And then, when I finally stood up and wandered out to find Ryuu-chan, it was so I could see what damage he'd done. I didn't need to look far; he was kneeling in Kourin's room fussing with his hair.

"Ryuu-chan?" My voice sounded hoarse and old.

"I can't do it," he mumbled, his mouth full of hairpins. His eyes were hollow.

I stood in the door helplessly, watching him pull his hair into odd positions. His hands were shaking.

He kept twisting and fiddling with his hair. I was transfixed. The whole sight was so horrible, so grotesque. Ryuuen was dying. He was dying. He was committing suicide right before my eyes. It was the most painful suicide. He didn't hang himself, he didn't slit his wrists, he didn't drink poison. He stabbed himself with hairpins. I felt so faint and paper-thin, like a ghost. I wanted to fade away. I wanted to fall down through the floor and into the ground, and cease to exist. It was so horrible, yet I couldn't stop watching.

I kept telling myself I'd just walk over to him and stop him. I kept imagining taking that first step, and grabbing his hand, and holding him until he said he wasn't going to die. But that first step was the hardest. I picked at the loose thread in my sleeve. The universe was falling apart at the seams. I kept telling myself to take that first step, to grab him and never let go.

When I finally took that first step, I was on top of him before I realized what I had done. I caught his hand, and he didn't protest. "Please... no."

"Nii-san..." His expressive eyes were oddly unreadable.

I fell to my knees and brought his hand to my chest. "Please..." I was crying again.

He pulled his hand free. "She's not dead."

I wanted to punch him. But I was too afraid of him hitting me back to touch him. He bent over a small box of hairpins, sorting through them with his pale fingers. His shoulder blades jutted awkwardly out his back, forming small pink wings... like he wanted to fly away.

I wiped my tears away with the back of a clenched fist. "She's dead." I sounded so pitiful.

"We'll never be apart."

"Please..."

"She's a part of me."

"No, please..."

"We'll be together forever."

I grabbed his shoulders and turned him to face me. And I slapped him. I caught him by surprise, so he fell on his side from the blow. I doubled over in tears as he rubbed his cheek, staring at me with a look of utter horror.

I'm a wicked, wicked person, otouto.

"Please, don't hurt 'Kaa-san... don't hurt me..." I'm wicked and pitiful.

Before I knew it, he was holding me by the shoulders, pinning me against the wall with his full strength. I gasped and squirmed under his grip. I tried to stop crying, which only resulted in choked, painful sobs.

"Why is it always about you?" He shook me. I could feel the wall move under my shoulders. "You never do anything for anyone." He was crying now, and a few streaks of eye makeup trickled down his cheek. Then he released me, slumping against my chest. "I'm her now."

When we were both breathing evenly, I helped him with his hair. We worked in silence. I brushed his hair as if I were washing his body for a funeral. I pinned his hair as if I were nailing his coffin. I bowed my head to him when we were done, as I would at Kourin's grave.

Ryuuen was dead, and all I could do was watch. He was pale as a corpse. His hands moved haltingly as he applied his rouge, like he had been stricken by rigamortis. His hands were ice cold. His lips almost looked blue.

I was a murderer. And the corpse of my victim smiled brokenly at me, pale and small and thin and horrible.

He sat and examined his face in the mirror. I slowly stood and left. When I closed the door to Kourin's room, Ryuuen ceased to exist. That was the last time I ever saw him.

* * *

I was napping in the courtyard, Baka curled comfortably in my lap, when Kourin decided to introduce herself to the world. When I heard 'Kaa-san's screams I opened my eyes, staring up into the growing darkness. I knew that the second I got up, the world would start moving fast again. Baka was my anchor. I couldn't move with him in my lap. Baka heard the commotion, and he looked sleepily back at the house, before resting his head again. He kept one ear trained on the noise. I petted Baka absently and wished the world would vanish. Or, at the very least, that I would vanish. 

I tried to relax, but the commotion was getting closer and closer. My heart echoed in my ears. I tried to force myself back to sleep, but I couldn't do it.

I'm sorry, Ryuu-chan. I'm such a coward. I've never been strong, you know that.

I'm such a coward, that when 'Kaa-san chased Ryuu-chan out into the courtyard with a broom, I hardly budged. I can pretend that Baka was keeping me pinned, but he's a cat... and who's bigger? I watched her yell and shake the broom at him as he backed into a bench, eyes wide with fear. I watched her pull herself to her full-height, her black-purple hair flying wildly as she moved. I saw servants peeking nervously out windows, whispering. 'Kaa-san moved like a panther. But Ryuu-chan... he moved like a corpse fresh from the grave. I'm sure if I looked close enough I would have seen grave dirt under his nails from clawing his way out of the underworld.

She swung the broom, Ryuu-chan ducked. She roared and charged at him, and he ran awkwardly around behind a tree, nearly tripping over his skirt.

"Take that off this instant, young man!" She pointed the broom at Ryuuen. He trembled. "Don't you dare disgrace your sister's memory like that!"

I didn't even bother pretending I was asleep anymore. I sat up, staring. Baka was still in my lap, utterly disinterested. The cat yawned, his jaw popping, before going back to sleep.

"I'm her," Ryuuen said softly. "I'm her."

'Kaa-san waved the broom at him again. Ryuuen responded by grabbing a stone bench and holding it between him and her.

"Ryuuen, please... take it off..." 'Kaa-san looked so frail now, like the slightest wind would blow her away. Her panther-like strength had drained out of her.

Ryuuen said nothing. It took me a second to realize that he was staring at me, his eyes wide and helpless.

"Rokou, I need your help." 'Kaa-san was looking at me, growing smaller and smaller by the minute.

I stood, forcing Baka off my lap. I looked from Ryuuen to 'Kaa-san. I wished the ground would open up and swallow me. I looked around, hoping Obaa-san would intervene. She was indoors chasing the servants away from the windows. The servants were watching me now. Obaa-san turned to watch me. Everyone was watching me. I took a step back nervously, bumping into the tree I had been sleeping under.

"Rokou, come here." Her voice was heavy and commanding.

I looked from Ryuuen to 'Kaa-san. The coward in me wondered, who do I fear more?

I don't have an honorable bone in my body, Ryuu-chan. I'm a terrible big brother. I should have stood by him.

But instead I walked to 'Kaa-san and watched him. When he saw me join her, his face broke. He dropped the stone bench. It landed on its side and cracked the pavement.

Ryuu-chan, I'm so wicked.

I don't deserve to be anyone's big brother. After Ryuu-chan dropped the bench, I went and collected him. He shied away from 'Kaa-san, but he went with me, looking at me with those terrible, powerful eyes. I couldn't meet his gaze. I washed off his make-up, and helped dress him in his old clothes. He didn't take his eyes off me. And, even when I washed his face, I didn't meet his gaze.

And after he was asleep in bed, 'Kaa-san sat me down and shared some tea with me. She smiled at me faintly. "Thank you, Rokou... I don't know what I'd do without you."

I couldn't smile. I couldn't even look at her. I stared at the debris at the bottom of my cup.

"I know this is hard." She put her small, paper thin hand on my arm. She tried to meet my gaze, but I looked away.

"I feel like I betrayed him."

"He just," she paused, "He just needs to learn that she's gone... she won't be back..." Her voice cracked.

I shook off her hand. I felt her blow away from me in a mighty wind.

"You're all I have left." She sounded so far away. I looked at her, and she was still as close as before, watching me. "Promise me you'll find a nice girl and marry and have lots of children, and keep them safe. You're the only one who can be happy."

"Happy?"

"Yes... normal and happy." She stood up, her joints moving strangely, like a puppet being moved by a drunken puppeteer. "Good night," she whispered, before drifting upstairs.

The wicked don't deserve to be happy.

I picked at my sleeve nervously. I really needed to stop doing that...


End file.
